The rate in which I learn.

These usually are for my own personal healing and expression. But who knows, maybe there is another like me..
Finding myself in a really good place before the start of Summer. Growing and experiencing more after moving and learning more and more into my early twenties. Hitting a new low that hasn't been identified in my realm of feelings. Trying to name and put into words the oppression. That I am always putting myself in a "in or out" type of mentality. Either I'm not giving enough of myself into my job and considering myself selfish, or I'm giving too much of myself where I find myself lost.

We've all heard the endless lines of how good judgement comes from experience and experience comes from poor judgement. For me, it was one of those weird lines to cross. My poor judgement wasn't ever all that much of mine. I learned more of experience from watching the judgement of others around me and grew off of that. But from that, I found myself bottled up and a bit closed off in a self secure mentality. It was easy to hide behind my faith and put off things that could break others but for me it was just another day.Holding myself to such a higher expectation than anyone else because I relied on myself. Learning to not withhold bitterness or anger because no one could possibly reach the expectation of which I held myself. It put me in a place of being "unemotionally emotional".
After awhile when you seclude yourself from your own insecurities, it catches up to you.

It took me a little while to conclude, but when we stop serving our insecurities, we can start serving the world. 

I've always been one to encourage those around me no matter how bad they view themselves. Through my summer of constant service in the dark of the night I found myself slipping. What I didn't realize is that insecurities isn't always about your body, your self esteem, self doubt, anxieties. But my own insecurity was about my own self's security of feelings. Keeping to myself, and projecting the issues around me was my own insecurity. That is a humbling place to be when you are held to together mentality. When you take a self dependent person and open them up to a place of vulnerability you are removing their shell. When you take a self dependent person and take their feelings but leave them with questions you can hold the ability to leave them broken. 

We all find ourselves learning everyday, through learning to love myself, I've found that I love the way that I make mistakes. Through each of my mistakes, whether they be terrible, small, or big, I love the way I've bounced back from each of them. I love the way I learn from them and the rate from which I do. Sometimes I'll feel numb to emotions, and every time I make a new mistake I learn again, I am not. Thats the best part of it. 

Were all human.
So in case you are where I am at, you aren't alone. You aren't numb, because that feeling of numbness and disconnect is still a feeling.
You'll never know where your heart belongs if you don't challenge it to feel something. 

The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down- Psalm 145:14